To preserve anonymity, I’ve written this simplified account of a family constellation, as a composite of similar family constellations I’ve facilitated.
The Problem: Children being Pulled to Parents
A young woman “Sarah” asks to do a family constellation because she feels perpetually isolated, alone, and disconnected from others. She wants to have more clarity about her life and her career choices. Sarah says her older brother has always been angry. She doesn’t understand why he is always so dismissive of anything to do with the family, especially now as both their parents are getting older.
Sarah’s father was very close to his mother (Sarah’s paternal grandmother), while she was alive. Her grandfather on her dad’s side was a soldier on the frontlines, who survived after the war he fought in, but died while his son (Sarah’s dad), was still a boy, long before Sarah was born. Sarah said her mom seemed partial to her when she and her brother were little.
Revealing the Tension Patterns in a Family Soul
(Roles are stated in relation to Sarah, e.g. Father is Sarah’s father, but also Sarah’s Grandparent’s son.)
I asked Sarah to choose representatives from the group and to position them in the centre of the circle. She placed representatives for her paternal Grandparents, Father, Mother, older Brother, and for herself, all in relationship with each other. I suggested to the representatives to focus on what it’s like to be in their respective roles and to particularly notice physical sensations and emotions.
Grandfather seemed unsteady and looked toward Grandmother. She seemed to sense his need but kept looking at Father. Father stood next to Mother but turned away from her and toward Grandmother. Brother looked toward Sarah’s rep, who stood in the middle looking frozen.
I checked in with the representatives. Grandfather said, “I feel shaky. It’s hard to stand. My left leg feels weak like it could buckle. I need her (referring to Grandmother) and it doesn’t feel right.”
Grandmother seemed to ignore Grandfather and addressed Father saying, “I’m glad I have you.”
Father wanted to move closer to Grandmother and noticed he felt uneasy turning from Mother. Mother said she didn’t care if Father left. She said she wanted to move closer to Sarah’s rep.
Hearing that, Brother turned away from the family, saying he wanted to leave the circle. Sarah’s rep said her stomach was churning and she didn’t know where she belonged.
Healing Movements: Restoring Love’s Flow
I decided to start by working with Grandparents and Father. I asked Grandfather to again address Grandmother. Then I suggested he say, “I am your husband and you are my wife,” which he did.
Grandmother responded with anger, saying, “It feels like you were never there like you abandoned us. Even when you were alive you weren’t there.”
Grandfather said, “I was wounded and you had to take care of me and our son. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the husband and father I wanted to be.”
Grandmother told me she still felt angry looking at her husband and that she only wanted to look at her son.
I checked in with Father and he said at the beginning of the constellation he felt OK, but now he felt weak, caught in the middle like he didn’t have the strength to be a Father.
Grandmother said she didn’t want her son to feel weak. I asked Grandmother if she would be willing to try something. She then agreed to look at Grandfather and said, “You are my husband and you’ll always be my husband.” I asked her how it felt to say that. She said she didn’t want to say it, but when she did, she felt different, freed up. She realized she had been disappointed at how her life turned out, but that it wasn’t her husband’s fault.
The Grandparents then moved closer to each other, with Grandfather leaning on Grandmother. Father said he felt stronger. I coached Grandparents to release Father to his life. Grandfather said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you reach adulthood. You will always be my son and I’m proud of you.”
Grandmother said, “You are my son and you have your own family now.”
Father said he felt lighter. He turned so his parents were behind him and he said he could feel their strength and support for him, that he felt free to be a father for his own family.
Now I could work with Sarah’s nuclear family. Mother and Sarah’s rep were standing next to each other holding hands. Brother was still looking away. Mother said she felt different now that Father seemed interested in her and the kids, like a kind of possibility.
Brother said he didn’t believe anything would be different. Sarah’s rep said she loved her mother but missed her dad and brother.
I asked Father to address Brother.
Brother said he could hear his Father, but he still didn’t want to turn around. I encouraged Brother to turn and just take a look, which he did.
Father said, “Son, I love you. I haven’t given you everything you needed, but I’ll always be your father.”
Brother said, “It does feel different, but it’s going to take me a while to believe it.” Brother moved closer to Father. He looked at Father and, with my guidance, said, “You are my father and I accept you.” When the two embraced, it looked warm and genuine.
Mother and Sarah’s rep joined Father and Brother. Sarah’s rep said, “I feel safe and I feel love. I feel like we’re a family now.”
The family constellation revealed Sarah’s Father drawn to Grandmother as a replacement for Grandfather and Sarah entangled with Mother. Together we had ritually released the unhealthy pattern so that family members could take their rightful, loving places.
Sarah looked visibly moved as she watched the constellation unfold. When it was over, she thanked the representatives. She said she felt lighter and clearer like a fog had lifted.
She also told us that her grandfather had his leg amputated in the war. It was a detail she hadn’t mentioned—yet, mysteriously, the representative for Grandfather, who had no prior knowledge of Sarah or her family, had looked unsteady on his feet.
To me, family constellations show how much more we have in common as family members than we realize and that love flows inherently when healthy patterns are restored. I condensed the account to highlight the main healing movements in such a constellation and to give you a feeling of what kinds of shifts can happen in this work.
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